Sunday, April 29, 2012

Tattoos: Then and Now


For thousands of years people have used tattoos to decorate their bodies for spiritual and personal reasons.  These permanent designs—sometimes plain, sometimes elaborate, always personal—have served as amulets, status symbols, declarations of love, signs of religious beliefs, adornments and even forms of punishment.



The earliest known examples were for a long time Egyptian and were present on several female mummies dated to c. 2000 B.C. But following the more recent discovery of the Iceman from the area of the Italian-Austrian border in 1991 and his tattoo patterns, this date has been pushed back a further thousand years when he was carbon-dated at around 5,200 years old.

There's certainly evidence that women had tattoos on their bodies and limbs from figurines c. 4000-3500 B.C. to occasional female figures represented in tomb scenes c. 1200 B.C. and in figurine form c. 1300 B.C., all with tattoos on their thighs.   And then, of course, there are the mummies with tattoos, from the three women already mentioned and dated to c. 2000 B.C. to several later examples of female mummies with these forms of permanent marks found in Greco-Roman burials at Akhmim

Because this seemed to be an exclusively female practice in ancient Egypt, mummies found with tattoos were usually dismissed by the (male) excavators who seemed to assume the women were of "dubious status," described in some cases as "dancing girls." The female mummies had nevertheless been buried at Deir el-Bahari (opposite modern Luxor) in an area associated with royal and elite burials, and we know that at least one of the women described as "probably a royal concubine" was actually a high-status priestess named Amunet, as revealed by her funerary inscriptions.

And although it has long been assumed that such tattoos were the mark of prostitutes or were meant to protect the women against sexually transmitted diseases. 

What instruments did they use?

It is possible that an implement best described as a sharp point set in a wooden handle, dated to c. 3000 B.C.  These instruments are also remarkably similar to much later tattooing implements used in 19th-century Egypt. 

What did these tattoos look like?

Most examples on mummies are largely dotted patterns of lines and diamond patterns, while figurines sometimes feature more naturalistic images. The tattoos occasionally found in tomb scenes and on small female figurines which form part of cosmetic items also have small figures of the dwarf god Bes on the thigh area.

Can you describe the tattoos used in other ancient cultures and how they differ?

Among the numerous ancient cultures that appear to have used tattooing as a permanent form of body adornment, the Nubians to the south of Egypt are known to have used tattoos. The mummified remains of women of the indigenous C-group culture found in cemeteries near Kubban c. 2000-15000 B.C. were found to have blue tattoos, which in at least one case featured the same arrangement of dots across the abdomen noted on the aforementioned female mummies from Deir el-Bahari. The ancient Egyptians also represented the male leaders of the Libyan neighbors c. 1300-1100 B.C. with clear, rather geometrical tattoo marks on their arms and legs and portrayed them in Egyptian tomb, temple and palace scenes.

The Scythian Pazyryk of the Altai Mountain region was another ancient culture which employed tattoos. In 1948, the 2,400 year old body of a Scythian male was discovered preserved in ice in Siberia, his limbs and torso covered in ornate tattoos of mythical animals. Then, in 1993, a woman with tattoos, again of mythical creatures on her shoulders, wrists and thumb and of similar date, was found in a tomb in Altai.

Can you describe the tattoos used in other ancient cultures and how they differ?

Among the numerous ancient cultures that appear to have used tattooing as a permanent form of body adornment, the Nubians to the south of Egypt are known to have used tattoos. The mummified remains of women of the indigenous C-group culture found in cemeteries near Kubban c. 2000-15000 B.C. were found to have blue tattoos, which in at least one case featured the same arrangement of dots across the abdomen noted on the aforementioned female mummies from Deir el-Bahari. The ancient Egyptians also represented the male leaders of the Libyan neighbors c. 1300-1100 B.C. with clear, rather geometrical tattoo marks on their arms and legs and portrayed them in Egyptian tomb, temple and palace scenes.

The Scythian Pazyryk of the Altai Mountain region was another ancient culture which employed tattoos. In 1948, the 2,400 year old body of a Scythian male was discovered preserved in ice in Siberia, his limbs and torso covered in ornate tattoos of mythical animals. Then, in 1993, a woman with tattoos, again of mythical creatures on her shoulders, wrists and thumb and of similar date, was found in a tomb in Altai. The practice is also confirmed by the Greek writer Herodotus c. 450 B.C., who stated that amongst the Scythians and Thracians "tattoos were a mark of nobility, and not to have them was testimony of low birth.”

Accounts of the ancient Britons likewise suggest they too were tattooed as a mark of high status, and with "divers shapes of beasts" tattooed on their bodies, the Romans named one northern tribe "Picti," literally "the painted people."

Yet amongst the Greeks and Romans, the use of tattoos or "stigmata" as they were then called, seems to have been largely used as a means to mark someone as "belonging" either to a religious sect or to an owner in the case of slaves or even as a punitive measure to mark them as criminals. It is therefore quite intriguing that during Ptolemaic times when a dynasty of Macedonian Greek monarchs ruled Egypt, the pharaoh himself, Ptolemy IV (221-205 B.C.), was said to have been tattooed with ivy leaves to symbolize his devotion to Dionysus, Greek god of wine and the patron deity of the royal house at that time. The fashion was also adopted by Roman soldiers and spread across the Roman Empire until the emergence of Christianity, when tattoos were felt to "disfigure that made in God's image" and so were banned by the Emperor Constantine (A.D. 306-373).

We have also examined tattoos on mummified remains of some of the ancient pre-Columbian cultures of Peru and Chile, which often replicate the same highly ornate images of stylized animals and a wide variety of symbols found in their textile and pottery designs. One stunning female figurine of the Naszca culture has what appears to be a huge tattoo right around her lower torso, stretching across her abdomen and extending down to her genitalia and, presumably, once again alluding to the regions associated with birth. Then on the mummified remains which have survived, the tattoos were noted on torsos, limbs, hands, the fingers and thumbs, and sometimes facial tattooing was practiced.

With extensive facial and body tattooing used among Native Americans, such as the Cree, the mummified bodies of a group of six Greenland Inuit women c. A.D. 1475 also revealed evidence for facial tattooing. Infrared examination revealed that five of the women had been tattooed in a line extending over the eyebrows, along the cheeks and in some cases with a series of lines on the chin. Another tattooed female mummy, dated 1,000 years earlier, was also found on St. Lawrence Island theBering Sea, her tattoos of dots, lines and hearts confined to the arms and han.
Japanese men began adorning their bodies with elaborate tattoos in the late A.D. 3rd century.

The elaborate tattoos of the Polynesian cultures are thought to have developed over millennia, featuring highly elaborate geometric designs, which in many cases can cover the whole body. Following James Cook's British expedition to Tahiti in 1769, the islanders' term "tatatau" or "tattau," meaning to hit or strike, gave the west our modern term "tattoo." The marks then became fashionable among Europeans, particularly so in the case of men such as sailors and coal-miners, with both professions which carried serious risks and presumably explaining the almost amulet-like use of anchors or miner's lamp tattoos on the men's forearms.

Modern Japanese tattoos are real works of art, with many modern practioners, while the highly skilled tattooists of Samoa continue to create their art as it was carried out in ancient times, prior to the invention of modern tattooing equipment. Various cultures throughout Africa also employ tattoos, including the fine dots on the faces of Berber women in Algeria, the elaborate facial tattoos of Wodabe men in Niger and the small crosses on the inner forearms which mark Egypt's Christian Copts.

In the Maori culture of New Zealand, the head was considered the most important part of the body, with the face embellished by incredibly elaborate tattoos or ‘moko,’ which were regarded as marks of high status. Each tattoo design was unique to that individual and since it conveyed specific information about their status, rank, ancestry and abilities, it has accurately been described as a form of ID card or passport, a kind of aesthetic bar code for the face. After sharp bone chisels were used to cut the designs into the skin, a soot-based pigment would be tapped into the open wounds, which then healed over to seal in the design. With the tattoos of warriors given at various stages in their lives as a kind of rite of passage, the decorations were regarded as enhancing their features and making them more attractive to the opposite sex.

Although Maori women were also tattooed on their faces, the markings tended to be concentrated around the nose and lips. Although Christian missionaries tried to stop the procedure, the women maintained that tattoos around their mouths and chins prevented the skin becoming wrinkled and kept them young; the practice was apparently continued as recently as the 1970s.

Reasons Why People Get Tattoos

Body art has taken many forms throughout many cultures. Countless reasons motivate people to permanently apply images to their bodies. Depending on the time or the culture, the reasons range from rite of passage, status symbol, sign of social position and rank, membership in a select group, rebellion, and artistic expression.

Millions of specific personal reasons inspire people to get tattoos, but trends are easily identified that explain why many people in the United States and other Western societies choose to have one or more tattoos.

Memorial tattoos – Tattoos are frequently inspired by the loss of a loved one such as a spouse, parent, grandparent, or child. A person will have the name of the deceased along with any combination of images, symbols, words, and birth and death dates to honor the passing of a loved one. Placing this memorial onto the flesh is a powerful tribute to the dead person and allows the person with the tattoo to maintain a physical connection to person who has died.

Birth tattoos – An increasing amount of mothers and fathers celebrate the birth of their children by tattooing the names of children along with birth dates on their bodies. A November 2007 report from KING 5 News in Seattle stated that moms getting tattoos related to their children were a full-blown trend. The report quoted tattoo artist Chris Collett as saying that mothers come to his shop all the time to get birth dates and infant footprints inked onto their bodies.

Sports tattoos – Those people who paint their faces in the team colors know nothing of devotion compared to fans that get tattooed with the names and logos of their favorite sports teams. When the Colorado Rockies went to the World Series in 2007, the Rocky Mountain News reported that Denver tattoo shops had been hit with a run on clients who wanted Rockies tattoos. The proprietor of Freaky's Tattoo and Body Piercing said that sports tattoos had been popular for years.

Military tattoos – Members of the armed forces have been getting tattoos for decades to signify their membership in a group and mark rites of passage like tours of duty. But the old basics like "USMC" or the sailors' pin-up girl have been updated by contemporary soldiers, who sadly these days often honor their fallen comrades with tattoos. A touching article in the L.A. Times recounted the story of a Marine Corps Iraq War veteran having the names of his 10 dead comrades tattooed onto his back along with artwork. The shrapnel scars of his own wound received from the explosion that killed his friends were intermixed with the tattoo.

Saturday, April 28, 2012

My Top 20 Great Bar Jokes

Joke #1:   A man walks into a bar on the top floor of a skyscraper. He sits down and orders a beer. After taking a drink he sees the guy next to him go over to the window and jump out!
"Holy cow! Did you see that!? That guy just jumped out the window!"
The bartender does nothing.
So the man takes another sip. A minute later the same guy walks in, orders another drink, chugs it, and jumps out the window again.
"Jesus! He just jumped again!"
The bartender ignores the man.
So the man sits puzzled. The guy comes back into the bar, and orders another drink.
"How did you survive that jump?".."I ordered a floatie drink, if you drink it in a certain amount of time, you can float."
So the guy quickly orders a 'floatie' drink. He takes it from the bartender, and chugs it. He then jumps out the window and...SPLAT! Right on the sidewalk!
The Bartender then says, "You know, Superman...you can be a real jerk when you're drunk."     


Joke #2:  Two men are in a bar getting drunk. Suddenly one of them throws up all over himself.
He says "Oh, no. Now my wife will kill me".
His friend says "Don't worry. Just tuck a twenty dollar bill in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill".
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.
Eventually he reels home and his wife starts to give him a bad time.
"You reek of alcohol and you've thrown up all over yourself, my God you're disgusting" etc.
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says, "Wait. It's not what you think. I only had one drink, but this man was sick on me. He'd obviously had one too many, or else he just couldn't hold his liquor. He was very sorry and he gave me twenty dollars for the cleaning bill. Look in my breast pocket."
She looks in his breast pocket and says, "But this is forty dollars".
"Ah, yes." says the man. "He s#it in my trousers too".


Joke #3:  A guy goes into a bar and goes up to the bartender. He says "I bet you 200 bucks I can piss in that glass in the corner and not spill a drop." The bartender agreed knowing he could never do it. So the man goes into the corner and pisses all ove everything even the bartender. So he walks back to the laughing bartender and the bartender says "I knew you couldn't do it." The man replies, "You can have your 200 dollars, I just bet those guys over there 2000 dollars that I could piss all over your place and you still would be laughing."


Joke #4:  A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened that's so horrible?
Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Ok, but that's not so bad.
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened then?
Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Again?
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do then?
Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.
Man: Hmmm...
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do?
Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.....


Joke #5:  A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. As the bartender pours the drink, he remarks, "That's quite a heavy drink. What's the problem?"
After quickly downing his drink, the man replies, "I found my wife in bed with my best friend."
'Wow," says the barkeep. "What did you do about it?" "I walked over to my wife, looked her in the eye, told her to pack her stuff, and get the hell out."
"That makes sense," remarks the barkeep... "And, what about your best friend?"
"I looked him right in the eye and yelled, **Bad Dog** "


Joke #6:  A man walks into a bar. He orders a drink and says to the bartender 'How tall does a Penguin grow?'
The bartender replies 'About two feet.'
'Damn says the man I've just ran over a nun!'


Joke #7:  A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer which he then proceeds to drink half of. The other half he pours on his left hand. He orders another beer and does the same. He continues to do this for several beers at which point the bartender can no longer stand the suspense and asks him what he's doing to which he replies, "I'm getting my date drunk."               


Joke #8:   A man goes into a bar and sees a pile of cash on a table beneath a big sign that reads "$2,000 Cash Prize! See bartender for details." Keeping one eye on the stack of money, the man goes over and asks the bartender what he has to do to win the prize.
"You have to do three things and its all yours," the bartender says.
"Just three things?" the guy asks, rubbing his hands now and practically salivating at the thought of walking out of the bar $2,000 richer. "What are the three things?"
"Well," the bartender says, "first you have to go over to that 200-pound bouncer and knock him out. After that, I've got a mean-tempered pitbull in the backroom who needs a tooth pulled. Then you have to go and f**k the 80-year-old lady who lives upstairs."
"No problem," the guy says. He struts over to the bouncer and says, "Hey pal your shoelace is untied." When the bouncer looks down at his shoes, the man flattens him with a single, solid uppercut.
Next he heads to the back room where the pitbull is housed. The bartender can hear a tremendous commotion from the back room--it sounds like the pitbull has gone crazy.
After a few minutes the man emerges from the backroom, quite bloody and cut up and breathing heavily.
"Okay," he says, "where's the old broad that needs her tooth pulled??



Joke #9:  1. "You get this one, next round is on me."
(We won't be here long enough to get another round.)
2. "I'll get this one, next one is on you."
(Happy hour is about to end...drafts are now a dollar, but by the next round they'll be $4.50 a pop.)
3. "Hey, where is that friend of yours?"
(I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.)
4. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (female)
(I'm easy.)
5. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (male)
(I'm gay.)
6. "Ever try a body shot?" (male to female)
(I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.)
7. "Ever try a body shot?" (female to male)
(If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home?)
8. "I don't feel well, let's go home." (female)
(You are paying more attention to your friends than me.)
9. I don't feel well, let's go home." (male)
(I'm horny.)
10. "Who's got the next round?"
(I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.)
11. "Excuse Me." (male to male)
(Get the hell out of the way.)
12. "Excuse Me." (male to female)
(I am going to grope you now.) (Editor's Note - one of my personal favorites)
13. "Excuse Me." (female to male)
(Don't even think about groping me, just get the hell out of the way.)
14. "Excuse Me." (female to female)
(Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and don't think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a ho... Get your eyes off of my man, or I'll slap you, bitch, like the slut you are.)
15. "What do you have on tap?"
(What's cheap?)
16. "Can I have a white Russian?" (male)
(I'm *really* gay.)
17. "Can I have a white Russian?" (female)
(I'm *really* easy.)
18. "That person looks really familiar."
(Did I sleep with him/her?)
19. Can I just get a glass of water?" (female)
(I'm annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.)
20. I don't have my ID on me." (female)
(I'm 19.)
21. "I don't have my ID on me." (male)
(I don't have a license since I got pulled over and blew a 0.4 after my last visit here)



Joke #10:   This guy is sitting in a bar drunk.
He asks the bartender where's the bathroom at?
The bartender said, go down the hall and make a right.
Well, all of a sudden, everybody at the bar hear's this loud scream and wonders what is going on in the bathroom. A few minutes go by again and everybody at the bar hears another loud scream that came out of the bathroom again.
This time the bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about. He opened the door and asked the drunk, "What's all the screaming about in here? You are scaring all my customers away."
The drunk said, "I'm sitting on the toilet and every time I go to flush it, something comes up and squeezes the hell out my balls."
With that, the bartender looks in and says, "No wonder, you're sitting on a mop bucket you asshole!!


Joke #11:   A guy walks into a bar and says to bartender give four shots of your best scotch right now. The bartender pours them up and sets them in front of the man. The man slams back all four of them one right after the other.
Bartender says "man you must be in a hurry "
The man says " you would be to if you had only twenty-five cents."


Joke #12:  A man walks into a bar and sits down. He notices a foot-tall piano player playing up a storm.
Man: Hey, this guy's really good! Where'd you get him?
Barkeep: Oh, I have a magic lamp that gives me anything I want.
Man: Can I try?
Barkeep: Sure just rub it and say what you want.
Man (rubbing the lamp): I wish for ten thousand bucks.
* Ten thousand ducks appear *
Man: What the hell happened? I asked for 10,000 BUCKS, not DUCKS!
Barkeep: Think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?



Joke #13:   At the end of the night a man leaves the bar.
Outside he sees a nun. He walks over to her and slaps her in the face. Then he punches her in the stomach and knocks her over.
He proceeds to kick her several times and when he's done he bends down to her and says, "not so tough tonight, are you Batman?"


Joke #14:   An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place. Then the Irishman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"
The others agree that sounds like a nice place.
Then the Italian says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink."
Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.
Then the Polish guy says, "You think that's great? Where I come from, there's this place, Warshowski's. At Warshowski's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"
"Wow!" said the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?" "No," he replied, "but it happened to my sister!"


Joke #15:   A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for 5 double shots. The bartender, a little surprised lines up the glasses and pours them out, assuming his mates are just round the corner. The man then, calm as a coma, knocks each shot back one after the other. The bartenders, amazed by this feat of drinking turns to the man and goes “that’s a big effort.” The man replies “you would drink quickly too if you had what I’ve got.” Curiously the bartender asks “what have you got mate” to which the man replies “no money.”

Joke #16:   A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink and asks the bartender how much? The bartender replies “no charge”

Joke #17:   A man, after having 27 drinks at a nightclub decides to head home, grabs his car keys and heads to the car park. Struggling to walk, he finally gets to his car, takes him 3 goes to get the keys into the ignition, reverses into the car park wall and drives straight through the boom gate. Realising his wife is at home waiting for him, a decides to drive as fast as possible, swerving across the road erratically. A police car see’s this and pulls him over. The copper asks the man “mate do you know how fast you were going?” The man replies “How the fuck would I know, I’ve just had 27 drinks.”

Joke #18:   A rabbi, a sheik and a priest all walk into a bar together holding hands singing “hari-krishna.” The bartender says to them “what is this some kind of bad joke?”


Joke #19:   A man walks into a bar, and furiously yells ”all bouncer’s are assholes!!!” A man at the end of the bar stands up, slams his drink on the bar and yells “you better fucking take that back.” Shocked, the man says “why, are you a bouncer?” to which he replies “no… I’m an asshole.”

Joke #20:   A cop is staking out a bar for drunk drivers. At closing time, he sees a guy stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and fumble for his keys for five minutes. Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and drives off. When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyzer test. The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0. The cop says, How is this possible? The guy says “I’m the designated decoy”



Friday, April 27, 2012

66 Totally Tasteless Pick-Up Lines

1.      If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?
2.      I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed bag.
3.      If it's true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning!
4.      How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized?
5.      I was about to go masturbate and I needed a name to go with your face.
6.      You are so fine that I'd eat your shit just to see where it came from.
7.      My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.
8.      Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like spaghetti. Let's go fuck
9.      Is that a keg in your pants? 'Cause I would love to tap that ass!
10.  If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was Christmas, could I meet you between the holidays?
11.  You remind me of a championship bass, I don't know whether to mount you or eat you!
12.  Your parents must be retarded, because you are special.
13.  Could I touch your belly button . . . from the inside?
14.  I'm not too good at algebra, but doesn't U+I = 69?
15.  How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and I'll give you the meat.
16.  Guy: "Would you like to dance?"
Girl: "I don't care for this song and surely wouldn't dance with you."
Guy: "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants"
17.  I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.
18.  Fuck me if I'm wrong, but is your name Yolanda?
19.  I love every bone in your body - especially mine.
20.  You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
21.  Hey baby, what's your sign? Caution, slippery when wet, dangerous curves ahead, yield?
22.  I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this motel room.
23.  Wanna play Pearl Harbor?....Its a game where I lay back while you blow the hell out of me.
24.  Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.
25.  Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
26.  I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
27.  That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be coming too.
28.  I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.
29.  Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.
30.  I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day long
31.  Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of these wet clothes.
32.  Nice legs...what time do they open?
33.  Do you work for UPS? I could have sworn I saw you checking out my package.
34.  You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
35.  I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Pink-Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?
36.  I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
37.  I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Walmart, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.
38.  I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.
39.  Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway the heaven?
40.  Hey baby, why don't you sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that POPS up.
41.  You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
42.  Are those real?
43.  You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.
44.  You can feel the magic between us...No, lower!
45.  I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
46.  Girl, if you were a porch I'd take out all the nails and screw ya.
47.  (Look down at the crotch) It's not just going to suck itself.
48.  You know, if I were you, I'd have. sex with me
49.  You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any Questions?
50.  Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
51.  My name is (name)...remember that, you'll be screaming it later.
52.  what's your favorite color? (answer) you'd look good naked in a tub with me!
53.  Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
54.  My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute."
55.  Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
56.  My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.
57.  I know milk does a body good, but, DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
58.  If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public.
59.  Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? What you don't like pizza?
60.  I may not be Dairy Queen but I'll treat you right.
61.  Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home without me.
62.  Do you wash your pants in Windex because I can see myself in them.
63.  Like Motel 6...I'll leave a light on for you.
64.  If I could rewrite the alphabet, I would put U and I together.
65.  Let me check the tag on your shirt, I want to see if it says "Made in Heaven"
66.  I cant find my house, Can i sleep with you?


Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Running an Internet Home Business for Profit

Everyone has different reasons for wanting to work from home. Some would like to stay home with their kids, while others can’t work outside the home for health reasons. Whatever your reasons are, an Internet home business can provide an income.

Usually, any Internet home business is not going to make any money right away. It will take time and effort to build up your new business before it will be at all profitable. Regardless of what internet marketers may tell you, you will not be making thousands a week with any Internet home business. Usually those marketers are trying to lure you into their program, that’s why they promise so much.

A Solution to Stay at Home?

There are several options for working at home, and an Internet home business is one of them. The first step will be to decide if you are even capable of working at home on your own. Are you able to set a work schedule for yourself and more importantly, are you able to stick to that schedule? If you need someone telling you what to do and handing you projects throughout the day, working with your own Internet home business may not be the best answer for you.

Deciding what exactly you want to do with an Internet home business is your next step. Do you want to start your own business? Or would you rather sell something and be a distributor for that product? There are so many options available on the internet that it can feel overwhelming just trying to sort out the junk from the real opportunities. If you decide to work for someone else in an Internet home business, make sure you understand exactly what you are getting into.

Some will require money up front, while others will provide support and help you to get started. If you feel at all uncomfortable with anything they are asking you to provide or do, step back and slow down. If it just doesn’t feel right, don’t do it. Or better yet, check them out online. If they are trouble, someone will have posted their experiences with the company online.

If you plan on an Internet home business of your own, what do you plan to do? Transcription is one job that can easily turn into a good Internet home business. It is something that can be sent through e-mail, and when it is done, you can return it to the customer. An Internet home business of your own will require a lot of groundwork especially since you are laying out the ground floor for yourself and probably won’t have anyone helping you.

An Internet home business is a definite possibility. However, it does take quite a bit of time and effort to find one that fits with what you can and want to do. Take your time, explore all of your options, and then the real work will start. It is doable, so don’t give up if it takes a little longer than you expected!

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Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Finding Online Jobs

There are many avenues to home employment on the Internet. If you look for jobs at home or work at home jobs on a search engine, you will find many Jobs at Home Websites with Job Listings. Some offer Free Membership and some charge a Monthly, Annual or Lifetime Registration Fee. Many offer Free Trial Memberships or Trial Memberships. Some jobs at home websites you will see on the Internet are: 2Work-At-Home.com, Bassador.com, HomeJobStop.com, Homeworkers.org, LegitJobs.net, SohoJobs.com, SpeedySecretarial.com, TJobs.com, Work-At-Home-Land.com and WorldWideWorkAtHome.com.

Staffing Services, No Fee Work At Home

However, there are also many more companies online offering home employment directly with no cost to you. Some of them are Outsourcing Services hiring home employees from their own websites. You will also see help wanted advertisements from temporary and permanent employment agencies looking for workers. You might consider employment agencies, staffing services, freelance websites, recruiters, help wanted classifieds or jobs search agents. An online search for virtual staffing services should provide many helpful online virtual staffing services that are looking for employees to work for their clients.

Outsourcing Services No Fees

You will find many more work at home opportunities on the Internet with Outsourcing Services. They already have a large clientele and marketing system and are looking for more employees to help their clients. There are call centers, customer support providers and customer relationship management firms that pay people for customer support work done from home, telesales specialists looking for salespeople, virtual assistant agencies looking for virtual assistants, data processing services looking for data entry typists and many other outsourcing services are advertising for employees to work online. You will also see many online Outsourcing Services that advertise editing services and recruit editors to work for their online services, or writers, typists, accountants, etc. Many temporary agencies and freelance websites also advertise for workers who will work on outsourced projects for them.

Help Wanted Classifieds

For recent help wanted classified advertisements look at http://FreshJobs.com and http://ExpertNetSurf.com. Recent classified advertisements with titles like Now Hiring, Help Wanted and Job Openings are posted in newsgroups, job boards, forums and message boards too. JobBoardMagic.com, Job-Search-Engine.com and JobLine.net check many job boards in their job search. You could also post your resume at http://HelpWantedSite.com and apply for jobs you like with your resume from their website. CareerBuilder.com, a large job and career website, and Jobvertise.com also provide this service free.

Jobs At Home Newsletters

There are also many helpful jobs at home websites that will send you recent job advertisements in a newsletter or ezine. You can join their mailing list or subscribe to their newsletters free at their websites. ExpertNetSurf.com is recommended for recent jobs at home advertisements in their free newsletter. Bassador.com, HomeJobStop.com and Telework-Connection.com also provide free jobs at home information in their newsletters. Email Alerts are also available from many job and career websites including CareerBuilder.com, HelpWantedSite.com and IHireAccounting.com

Internet Newsgroups

Another resource for job search and help wanted advertisements is Internet Newsgroups. Jobs are posted in Newsgroups at http://Google.com in newsgroups like alt.jobs.offered, misc.jobs.offered, biz.jobs.offered, us.jobs.offered and misc.jobs.offered.entry. You can find many recent help wanted advertisements in newsgroups and messages about them. You can also search for jobs. Many more jobs at home opportunities are listed in Yahoo Groups and MSN Groups.

Jobs At Home Search Engines

You will also find many jobs at home search engines and jobs search engines that you can search for jobs. You can search for home employment with jobs search engines using keywords like at home, home, homebased, job at home, outsource, remote, telecommute, telemarket, telework, virtual, work at home, and work from home. JobLine.net will do a Job Search and/or Resume Distribution for a charge. These websites have jobs at home search engines:

- http://2Work-At-Home.com
- http://GenuineJobs.com
- http://Workaholics4Hire.com
- http://Work-At-Home-Land.com
- http://WorkAtHomeSearchEngine.com

Employment Agencies

A good place to start would be with Employment Agencies. They have one of the largest selections of employers and jobs and they are professionally trained in job placement.

Some of them are Outsource Staffing Services or Virtual Staffing Services that have employee bases of their own. You can register with them and start working for them, too.

Register with these Employment Agencies, Outsourcing Services, Virtual Staffing Services and Freelance Agencies and they will help you find a job.

You will need a professional resumé and cover letter. You can make your own and upload them to the websites. You will also see many Resumé Services in this book that will design and distribute your resumés.

You should also have several professional references. It would also help you to take some classes or tutorials and add some Certifications to your resumés.

Some of these Services will provide a Customized Web Page for you with your CV (Curriculum Vitae) or Resumé, a Profile, References, Contact Information and Degrees, Diplomas and Certifications. You will be able to send prospective Employers to these Web Pages.

Employment Agencies

- AccounTemps http://AccounTemps.com
- Adecco http://Adecco.com
- AlpineAccess http://AlpineAccess.com
- AssistU http://AssistU.com
- CareersFromHome http://CareersFromHome.com
- ConnectCareers http://ConnectCareers.com
- ContractedWork http://ContractedWork.com
- CyberSecretaries http://YouDictate.com
- DeskTopStaff http://DeskTopStaff.com
- Elance http://www.elance.com/
- Electric Quill Http://Electric-Quill.com
- Elite Virtual Assistants Http://EliteVirtualAssistants.com
- Executary Http://Executary.com
- FlexibleSchedules http://FlexibleSchedules.com
- Global Staffing Http://GlobalStaffing.com
- HireAbility http://HireAbility.com
- HomeBasedSecretaries http://HomeBasedSecretaries.com
- HR-Dept http://HR-Dept.com
- Job Line Http://JobLine.net
- PhoneMagicInc http://PhoneMagicInc.com
- Prime Outsource Http://Prime-Outsource.com
- Professional Support Services http://ProfessionalSupportService.com
- Speedy Secretarial Http://SpeedySecretarial.com
- Staffing Services Http://StaffingServices.net
- Tad Accounting http://TadAccounting.com
- V Services Http://VServices.biz
- V Staff http://VStaff.com
- V-Staffing http://v-staffing.com
- VIPDesk http://VIPDesk.com
- VirtualAssistantJobs http://VirtualAssistantJobs.com
- VirtualAssistants http://VirtualAssistants.com
- VirtualAssistantsRUs http://VirtualAssistantsRUs.com
- Virtual Corp Http://Virtual-Corp.net
- Virtual Medical Staffing Http://VirtualMedicalStaffing.com
- VirtualResourceMgmt http://VirtualResourceMgmt.com
- VirtualStaff2CallCenter http://VirtualStaff2CallCenter.com
- VirtualStaffing http://VirtualStaffing.biz
- VOStaffing http://VOStaffing.com
- Workaholics4Hire.com http://Workaholics4Hire.com

Financial Employment

- AccounTemps http://AccounTemps.com
- BalanceYourBooks http://BalanceYourBooks.com
- Bookminders Inc. Http://Bookminders.com
- Financial Staff Http://FinStaff.com
- JobsInTheMoney http://JobsInTheMoney.com
- TadAccounting http://TadAccounting.com
- Wall Street Services http://www.wallstreetservices.com

Telecommuting, Jobs At Home Websites with Job Databases, Training, Resume Help, Job Newsletters and More

- http://2Work-At-Home.com
- http://Bassador.com
- http://Outsource2000.com
- http://TJobs.com
- http://Workaholics4Hire.com
- http://Work-At-Home-Land.com

Medical Nursing Jobs

- http://AllAboutStaffing.com
- http://HospitalJobsOnline.com
- http://Intelistaf.com
- http://IntegrityNurseStaffing.com
- http://ReadyRefer.com
- http://StaffingRemedies.com
- http://VirtualMedicalStaffing.com

Accounting Bookkeeping

- AccountantsWorld http://AccountantsWorld.com
- AccounTemps http://AccounTemps.com
- Accounting & Finance Personnel http://AFPersonnel.com
- Ajilon http://AjilonFinance.com
- BalanceYourBooks http://BalanceYourBooks.com
- BankingBoard http://BankingBoard.com
- Bookminders Inc. Http://Bookminders.com
- Call An Accountant http://CallAnAccountant.com
- Financial Staff Http://FinStaff.com
- I Hire Accounting Http://IHireAccounting.com
- OutSource Your Books http://osyb.com
- Prime Outsource Http://Prime-Outsource.com
- TadAccounting http://TadAccounting.com http://TadTraining.com


Debra Mundell - Author of Work From Home Jobs Directory, Lottery 101 How To Predict Lottery Numbers Creator of the Magic Lucky Lottery Numbers Oracle - http://www.JobsAtHomeShop.com


Article Copyright By Author. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.

Monday, April 23, 2012

HOT PROBLEMS or NOT PROBLEMS?

     I was surfing the web last night and I came across a music video on you tube.  This particular item was released by Old Bailey Productions, and the song is called "Hot Problems."  Before I go any further I would just like to point out that Old Bailey Productions states that they didn't write any of the audio or lyrics and claims absolutely NO responsibility for this song.  In fact they said and I quote, "We produced this as a favor."

     Now when I first read that I said to my self, "Self,  if this song is so bad, then you must listen to it!"

And unfortunately for me, I did just that.

     The video opens with an image the statue of justice, golden and majestic with the sky above her.  Actually a pretty nice image and a good opener.  But don't judge a book by it's cover here people, it only gets worse!  Then the banner of Old bailey Productions enters the screen making this disaster seem legitimate.

Then the bad techno music starts in and then the reveal of a pair of teens singing about how hot they are and how it can be a problem. How being so hot is a burden and it so affects their lives.

 Ah, the arrogance and selfishness of youth.

The opening line is "Look at me and tell me the truth," well that's exactly what I am going to do for you.

So here you are girls, the TRUTH!

  1. You are NOT HOT, in reality you are really no more or less attractive than anyone else.
  2. You can't sing, in fact you didn't sing at all throughout the entire video.  What you where doing was "Tone Deaf Talking."
  3. Being moderately attractive, what you call hot, is not a problem.  If that is your biggest problem in life tat you have to share it with the world then you are in for a big punch in the nose from life ladies because I can assure you, it get's worse.  Much Worse!
This song is SO BAD that is actually had over 5 Million views on YouTube!  It has been parodied and blogged about.

So please check it out, and vote for it, and allow these ladies their own 15 min. of fame.