"Holy cow! Did you see that!? That guy just jumped out the window!"
The bartender does nothing.
So the man takes another sip. A minute later the same guy walks in, orders another drink, chugs it, and jumps out the window again.
"Jesus! He just jumped again!"
The bartender ignores the man.
So the man sits puzzled. The guy comes back into the bar, and orders another drink.
"How did you survive that jump?".."I ordered a floatie drink, if you drink it in a certain amount of time, you can float."
So the guy quickly orders a 'floatie' drink. He takes it from the bartender, and chugs it. He then jumps out the window and...SPLAT! Right on the sidewalk!
The Bartender then says, "You know, Superman...you can be a real jerk when you're drunk."
Joke #2: Two men are in a bar getting drunk. Suddenly one of them throws up all over himself.
He says "Oh, no. Now my wife will kill me".
His friend says "Don't worry. Just tuck a twenty dollar bill in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill".
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.
Eventually he reels home and his wife starts to give him a bad time.
"You reek of alcohol and you've thrown up all over yourself, my God you're disgusting" etc.
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says, "Wait. It's not what you think. I only had one drink, but this man was sick on me. He'd obviously had one too many, or else he just couldn't hold his liquor. He was very sorry and he gave me twenty dollars for the cleaning bill. Look in my breast pocket."
She looks in his breast pocket and says, "But this is forty dollars".
"Ah, yes." says the man. "He s#it in my trousers too".
Joke #4: A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened that's so horrible?
Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Ok, but that's not so bad.
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened then?
Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Again?
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do then?
Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.
Man: Hmmm...
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do?
Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.....
Joke #5: A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. As the bartender pours the drink, he remarks, "That's quite a heavy drink. What's the problem?"
After quickly downing his drink, the man replies, "I found my wife in bed with my best friend."
'Wow," says the barkeep. "What did you do about it?" "I walked over to my wife, looked her in the eye, told her to pack her stuff, and get the hell out."
"That makes sense," remarks the barkeep... "And, what about your best friend?"
"I looked him right in the eye and yelled, **Bad Dog** "
Joke #6: A man walks into a bar. He orders a drink and says to the bartender 'How tall does a Penguin grow?'
The bartender replies 'About two feet.'
'Damn says the man I've just ran over a nun!'
Joke #7: A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer which he then proceeds to drink half of. The other half he pours on his left hand. He orders another beer and does the same. He continues to do this for several beers at which point the bartender can no longer stand the suspense and asks him what he's doing to which he replies, "I'm getting my date drunk."
Joke #8: A man goes into a bar and sees a pile of cash on a table beneath a big sign that reads "$2,000 Cash Prize! See bartender for details." Keeping one eye on the stack of money, the man goes over and asks the bartender what he has to do to win the prize.
"You have to do three things and its all yours," the bartender says.
"Just three things?" the guy asks, rubbing his hands now and practically salivating at the thought of walking out of the bar $2,000 richer. "What are the three things?"
"Well," the bartender says, "first you have to go over to that 200-pound bouncer and knock him out. After that, I've got a mean-tempered pitbull in the backroom who needs a tooth pulled. Then you have to go and f**k the 80-year-old lady who lives upstairs."
"No problem," the guy says. He struts over to the bouncer and says, "Hey pal your shoelace is untied." When the bouncer looks down at his shoes, the man flattens him with a single, solid uppercut.
Next he heads to the back room where the pitbull is housed. The bartender can hear a tremendous commotion from the back room--it sounds like the pitbull has gone crazy.
After a few minutes the man emerges from the backroom, quite bloody and cut up and breathing heavily.
"Okay," he says, "where's the old broad that needs her tooth pulled??
Joke #9: 1. "You get this one, next round is on me."
(We won't be here long enough to get another round.)
2. "I'll get this one, next one is on you."
(Happy hour is about to end...drafts are now a dollar, but by the next round they'll be $4.50 a pop.)
3. "Hey, where is that friend of yours?"
(I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.)
4. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (female)
(I'm easy.)
5. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (male)
(I'm gay.)
6. "Ever try a body shot?" (male to female)
(I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.)
7. "Ever try a body shot?" (female to male)
(If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home?)
8. "I don't feel well, let's go home." (female)
(You are paying more attention to your friends than me.)
9. I don't feel well, let's go home." (male)
(I'm horny.)
10. "Who's got the next round?"
(I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.)
11. "Excuse Me." (male to male)
(Get the hell out of the way.)
12. "Excuse Me." (male to female)
(I am going to grope you now.) (Editor's Note - one of my personal favorites)
13. "Excuse Me." (female to male)
(Don't even think about groping me, just get the hell out of the way.)
14. "Excuse Me." (female to female)
(Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and don't think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a ho... Get your eyes off of my man, or I'll slap you, bitch, like the slut you are.)
15. "What do you have on tap?"
(What's cheap?)
16. "Can I have a white Russian?" (male)
(I'm *really* gay.)
17. "Can I have a white Russian?" (female)
(I'm *really* easy.)
18. "That person looks really familiar."
(Did I sleep with him/her?)
19. Can I just get a glass of water?" (female)
(I'm annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.)
20. I don't have my ID on me." (female)
(I'm 19.)
21. "I don't have my ID on me." (male)
(I don't have a license since I got pulled over and blew a 0.4 after my last visit here)
Joke #10: This guy is sitting in a bar drunk.
He asks the bartender where's the bathroom at?
The bartender said, go down the hall and make a right.
Well, all of a sudden, everybody at the bar hear's this loud scream and wonders what is going on in the bathroom. A few minutes go by again and everybody at the bar hears another loud scream that came out of the bathroom again.
This time the bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about. He opened the door and asked the drunk, "What's all the screaming about in here? You are scaring all my customers away."
The drunk said, "I'm sitting on the toilet and every time I go to flush it, something comes up and squeezes the hell out my balls."
With that, the bartender looks in and says, "No wonder, you're sitting on a mop bucket you asshole!!
Joke #11: A guy walks into a bar and says to bartender give four shots of your best scotch right now. The bartender pours them up and sets them in front of the man. The man slams back all four of them one right after the other.
Bartender says "man you must be in a hurry "
The man says " you would be to if you had only twenty-five cents."
Joke #12: A man walks into a bar and sits down. He notices a foot-tall piano player playing up a storm.
Man: Hey, this guy's really good! Where'd you get him?
Barkeep: Oh, I have a magic lamp that gives me anything I want.
Man: Can I try?
Barkeep: Sure just rub it and say what you want.
Man (rubbing the lamp): I wish for ten thousand bucks.
* Ten thousand ducks appear *
Man: What the hell happened? I asked for 10,000 BUCKS, not DUCKS!
Barkeep: Think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?
Joke #13: At the end of the night a man leaves the bar.
Outside he sees a nun. He walks over to her and slaps her in the face. Then he punches her in the stomach and knocks her over.
He proceeds to kick her several times and when he's done he bends down to her and says, "not so tough tonight, are you Batman?"
Joke #14: An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place. Then the Irishman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"
The others agree that sounds like a nice place.
Then the Italian says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink."
Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.
Then the Polish guy says, "You think that's great? Where I come from, there's this place, Warshowski's. At Warshowski's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"
"Wow!" said the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?" "No," he replied, "but it happened to my sister!"
Joke #15: A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for 5 double shots. The bartender, a little surprised lines up the glasses and pours them out, assuming his mates are just round the corner. The man then, calm as a coma, knocks each shot back one after the other. The bartenders, amazed by this feat of drinking turns to the man and goes “that’s a big effort.” The man replies “you would drink quickly too if you had what I’ve got.” Curiously the bartender asks “what have you got mate” to which the man replies “no money.”
Joke #16: A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink and asks the bartender how much? The bartender replies “no charge”
Joke #17: A man, after having 27 drinks at a nightclub decides to head home, grabs his car keys and heads to the car park. Struggling to walk, he finally gets to his car, takes him 3 goes to get the keys into the ignition, reverses into the car park wall and drives straight through the boom gate. Realising his wife is at home waiting for him, a decides to drive as fast as possible, swerving across the road erratically. A police car see’s this and pulls him over. The copper asks the man “mate do you know how fast you were going?” The man replies “How the fuck would I know, I’ve just had 27 drinks.”
Joke #18: A rabbi, a sheik and a priest all walk into a bar together holding hands singing “hari-krishna.” The bartender says to them “what is this some kind of bad joke?”
Joke #19: A man walks into a bar, and furiously yells ”all bouncer’s are assholes!!!” A man at the end of the bar stands up, slams his drink on the bar and yells “you better fucking take that back.” Shocked, the man says “why, are you a bouncer?” to which he replies “no… I’m an asshole.”
Joke #20: A cop is staking out a bar for drunk drivers. At closing time, he sees a guy stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and fumble for his keys for five minutes. Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and drives off. When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyzer test. The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0. The cop says, How is this possible? The guy says “I’m the designated decoy”
No comments:
Post a Comment